Why do we feel unworthy?

“In the West, we suffer from an emotional and psychological epidemic, and its main wound is the feeling of unworthiness.” Adyashanti

Almost everyone feels unworthy. In the many years I have been a psychotherapist, I have met few people who have no insecurities and do not compare themselves to others. Actually, I am not one of them. The deeply-rooted belief of not being good enough is found in the unfathomable part of our psyche, triggering feelings of guilt and shame.

According to Freud, the Self is created based on the subject´s identifications, in which it assimilates an aspect or attribute of another as one´s own. In this way, we introject the beliefs and ideals of our family and culture, and then identify with them. That is how we learn to gage our own personal value and sense of self regarding concepts such as money, power, beauty, intelligence, productivity, success and others. We try to adjust to them and fit in, and in the process, we become very demanding with ourselves, perhaps even obsessed; and finally fall into the mortal trap of perfectionism.

Perfectionism will inevitably lead to frustration. It acts like a handbrake that stops us from acting authentically, and that torments us with harsh judgements such as:

“You could have done better” , “you messed up, again”, “you can do nothing right”, “they are going to laugh at you”.

My perfectionism tells me things like: “they are going to think you are a fraud”, “you made a mistake with your patient”, “that was so wrong”, “you look old in that picture”, etc. Few times do the end results meet our expectations, or those we think other people have about us.

The inner critic and perfectionism make us think that we are defective, that we could have done better regardless of our efforts, and to obsessively go over and over our mistakes; or to compare ourselves with others and have defensive reactions. And that ends up reaffirming the belief that there is something seriously wrong with us!

What causes the ailment of insufficiency?

In his book The Burnout Society, contemporary philosopher Byung Chul-Han states that our current society knows no boundaries, with the incessant demand of a completely and pervasive positive Self. Our culture wishes to exert an excessive control over productivity, blindly worshiping performance. This causes depressive individuals who feel like a failure and can no longer bear the guilt of not achieving enough. I strongly believe he is right. But we psychoanalysts also know that our current conflicts are related to matters of our past, such as:

• Childhood wounds, like rejection or abandonment (physical or emotional).
• Judgmental or overly-critical parents who were never satisfied and forced us to mold ourselves to their desires and expectations.
• The unmet needs of not being loved accepted or valued.
• Low self-esteem.
• Mistakes we regard as unforgivable: career choice, significant others, or job-related issues.
• Traumatic events and experiences: abuse, alcoholism or violence.

Those experiences are so painful that we try to make up for them, adopting strategies to feel better and keep up appearances. We do all we can to hide our vulnerability, and we wear masks to conceal our true selves. Aside from perfectionism and self-judgment, the former also includes our pretentions, addictions, hyperactivity, or the obsession with beauty. But on the other hand, there are others who seek to hide from public scrutiny, with self-imposed isolation and disconnecting themselves from the outer world.

The use of disguises and masks would not be too big a problem if it were not for the amount of time and energy we devote to their maintenance. The more we use them, the more we become internally convinced that we are fakes, and thus reinforce the trance of insufficiency.

We become slaves of the disguise, living in fear somebody will be on to us and call our bluff and so, we lose touch with our true selves and others.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers

The medicine to cure insufficiency is acceptance, which is one of the objectives in the therapeutic process. Patients open up to the therapist about their mistakes, flaws and insecurities, the things they did or did not do, or what they allowed, in a safe environment of acceptance, trust, and devoid of judgment. But the same effect can happen with friends and family who are empathetic, who accept their own vulnerability and who cut others some slack.

The process of fully accepting ourselves as we are, warts and all, with our flaws, mistakes and imperfections, implies embracing our shame and vulnerability, as Brené Brown states. But if we do, we will feel safer, more assertive, creative, and authentic, and will also feel better accepted –and connected- to others. This is the only way in which we can convince ourselves that we are worthy, indeed.

Accepting ourselves as we are requires exploring our identifications and readjusting our expectations in a more realistic way, as well as shushing the voice of the inner critic and reconciling with our own humanity. As Tal Ben-Shahar puts it, it is all about giving ourselves permission to be human, one of the most important pillars for wellbeing and happiness.